1. Groom thyself.
- Landscape yo shit. Weedwack, wax, or wile out with a razor until your situation is whatever you deem perfect.
- Fucking smell good.
- Ex-fucking-foliate, cuz she gon’ want to touch it to see if it’s sof’.
- ALWAYS fucking moisturize. Every day. Sometimes more than once a day. In fact, moisturize as often as you want to have sex.
- TRIM YOUR DAMN NAILS. Nobody wants the inside of their vagina looking like pulled pork.
2. Be attractive for fuck’s sake.
- Always walk like you’ve got 3 thug bodyguards behind you. Confidence is eye-catching.
- Sweat every day, I don’t care how. Eat some jalapeños or do some pushups or something.
- Care how you look. Don’t wear busted clothes unless those holes are strategic.
- Get a fucking haircut. Growing it out? That shit still needs maintenance you fucking hobbit.
- There is no such thing as being overeducated or overdressed.
- Grammar. Use it. But don't be a Nazi. Nobody likes Nazis.
- Get a goddamn job. And a hobby. Know why? So you’re not a poor needy little bitch.
- If you can’t cook then have the money to take her out. You can’t be incapable AND broke.
- The 2 biggest cockblocks in this world are dogs and kids. If you find yourself with one or more of these problems, find someone with the same ball n chain so you can have mongrel playdates together or something else as equally celibacy-inducing. God speed, next time around try and make better life decisions. #vacationsnotbabies
3. “The trouble is, you think you have time.” -Muthafuckin’ Buddha
- Calm the fuck down and smile. Everyone takes everything too seriously.
- Put all delicious things in your mouth.
- Never trust anyone who won’t dance. Can’t dance, fine. Won’t dance, fuck off.
- Have a damn cocktail, but don’t be sloppy. Be one of those classy drunks, like the Dos Equis guy, or an awesome drunk, like Karen Walker.
- Say fuck. It feels great.
- Be the trouble that walks in the door. NOT the hot mess, you white-girl-wasted woohooing hussy.
- Go to bed late. Nothing worthwhile happens before 10pm in the real world.
- If you wake someone up early it DAMN WELL better be to fuck them or feed them. Otherwise let sleeping bitches lie.
4. Wine, dine, and sixty-nine.
- Kiss slowly, jack rabbit Jim.
- Always have a panty-droppa playlist at the ready.
- Tell her she’s pretty. Compliment some stuff. Fuck her like you hate her.
- Be more of a sexy offender.
- If you’re a chick, keep those earrings on.
- If you’re a black dude, keep your socks on.
- If you’re white dude, keep your clothes on. Those legs so white they bought a membership on LinkedIn.